I have been thinking about writing this post for a long time, because it’s something that has been bothering me for a long time.

Being Christian -AND- dating/sex/flirting/courting/abstaining/doin’ your thang

You see, I am not a Virgin. That’s right kids, I cashed it in.

I have not slept with many people, in fact, only one person.

Does that make me non-pure? I have no idea, and quite honestly I don’t care.

But what I have observed, being the fresh Christian that I am, is an approach to dating/sexuality that has taken me back.


I don’t know if it’s who I have surrounded myself with…but there’s A LOT of single men and women. In fact, more single men and women in the upper age groups that in any of my other friend groups. I hear nothing but ‘Christian men are cowards, they never ask girls out, they are soft, it’s there job to ask us women out, I am not going to do it!’ from the Christian women.

I have sat, pondered, wandered through the maze of Christian dating and have yet to find the end. This can also be said for non-Christian dating as well. However, I would garner at mentioning that Christians date to get married. Whereas, a lower proportion of people, who are non-Christians, do not approach the opposite sex with the ‘The One Check-List’.

Here me out. Imagine if you were a Man. A Christian man, educated, good job, house, and the idea that he’d like to be able to share his life with someone. You, as the man, decide that there’s a woman that you’re interested in. She’s someone who has peaked your interest.

1. You know that odds are, she’s looking for ‘The One’
2. You have already asked three girls out in the past six months to coffee, and little rumour swirls are floating around that you like to ask girls out.
3. You don’t want to start people talking, so you don’t flirt with her. Even though you’re busting to get to know her better, but don’t want to
appear interested because a) what will people say b) will she even want to do coffee, because I may not be ‘the one’ for her c) I don’t want her to think that I am crackin’ on her
4. So, what do I do? Do I take the leap of faith in front of not only her, but also the community to 1. Get shot down or 2. Get a Yes?

The point I am trying to make, is that I think women (non-Christian as well) need to KEEP THEIR HEARTS OPEN!!!!!!

Yes, there are men who are ‘pigs’ and who are ‘cowards’. However, to sit back and start painting every single Christian man as ‘worthless’ and ‘incapable of dating’ is exactly why they don’t ask women out. Why would you? Would you ask yourself out if you project what you’re wanting and demanding in the opposite sex?

I know that this a very counter-cultural stance on dating and I am calling upon women to relax and go out for a damn coffee with a guy..even if he isn’t the one you want to have endless-post-marriage sex with, make 10 babies and die next to. But, what is the harm in loving on someone by show a little grace and enjoying a good coffee? What if, in fact, he’s more ‘the one’ then you thought?


Now, if you’re still reading..I have need to be honest here. I am torn about sex and intimacy. I waited a LONG time to have sex, and it was for my own personal reasons and had NOTHING to do with religion. I wasn’t a Christian then.

However, coming into the Christian circle, the comments about sex, intimacy, ‘getting down with yourself’, oral sex, cuddling all come up.

I don’t know if I have a clear answer. I know that God speaks of sex and intimacy.

1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, which is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor your God with your body.

I think that it is interesting that earlier in V. 6 Paul is quoted in saying

“Everything is permissible for me”–but not everything is beneficial.

I know and respect that there is HEAPS about how saving yourself for marriage and/or the right one is important. In fact, the popular Christian thought is virgin til your married.

I am not here to argue that.

However, I am here to argue that having intimacy with someone is not terrible. That being intimate, ie. close to someone physically is not going to ruin you.

In fact, I remember when I was told that I should not stay in a same house as a man, because I might cross the line. I was thinking about this today.

1. Since when can two adults not be in the same place and not be able to control themselves?
2. Since when can two adults not discuss the potential attraction, if there is any, and deal with boundaries within the context of the Christian beliefs?
3. Since when did strong Christians lose their ability to fall back on their strong Christian values/beliefs and not give into sinful acts?

I find that this scared approach to showing affection, limited and appropriate physical intimacy, which has been bestowed upon me currently and in previous experiences to be detrimental to the development of a relationship and self-awareness.

I am NOT advocating for everyone to go out and through themselves at people and bathe themselves in sin. What I am saying is that relationships have a natural progression…with pre-established boundaries–are so important. You need to be self-aware, you need to explore relationships, you need to be mindful of your convictions.

However, starving yourself of letting people in emotionally and physically (whatever that means to you) is I believe actually starving your potential relationships of a depth and awareness of spiritual growth.

You have to make your own choices. But what I am getting at is, be open with God. be open with people around you. be open to touch/intimacy at the level which is appropriate for you.

Stop shutting people out. Stop equating people as the means to an end. God has NEVER done that to you, don’t do it to others.

~Farm Girl