I have written about dating and Christianity. However, I was talking with one of my friends today via skype. I love skype.

The thing which I still wanted to talk about is the notion of ‘THE ONE’ and ‘THE CHECKLIST’

I have walked through so much of my life with a check-list.

  • Tall
  • Smart
  • Intelligent
  • Sophisticated
  • Can make my laugh
  • Good shoes
  • Good dancer
  • Nice teeth
  • Nice hands
  • Doesn’t walk funny
  • Wants to be a Dad
  • Someone I could see myself with
  • Doesn’t eat funny
  • Fit
  • Attractive
  • Someone I could take to see my grandparents
  • Knows how to dress
  • Smells good
  • Isn’t a Mama’s Boy
  • …..

I am not here to say through all of our ‘check lists’ out the window. However I am going to bring up a couple of things which it think suck Christians and Non-Christians into the ‘frustrated single’ ‘I can’t find anyone’ ‘I have given up’ ‘I have dating’ mind-frame

Having expectations that aren’t necessary

I have a friend who I go ‘He’s a great guy.’ To which they respond ‘He’s not really my type, he’s not attractive/hot enough’. Coming from a girl who has had major body issues, I cringe when they say that. I get that being physically attracted to someone is important, but what about the idea of falling for someone for who they are? I think that we put up ‘MUST HAVE’S’ and forget about the true, formative, foundational MUST HAVES.

Shared faith, no kids, committed to family, makes you laugh.

What if we just shrunk our lists down to five things, what would they be?

I think that the five things that you need to focus are things that stand the test of wrinkles, lost jobs, family tragedies. They are the foundational MUST HAVES.

Looking for ‘The One’ and shutting people

Yeah, I won’t go out with them, because I know that they are not ‘The One’. Really? Do you actually know that they aren’t the one? How do you know?

I often think of this when I think of Jesus and his teaching. Jesus talked, spoke, taught those who were marginalized. Never turning away from those who needed to be loved on, never undermining people because they weren’t initially good enough.

Matthew 22:37-39
Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind’ // This is the first and greatest commandment. // And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself'”

I am not saying that you should go out to coffee with creeps. What I am saying is keep your heart open, treat people with respect and quit thinking the coffee equates marriage. Shutting people out on a principle list that is so long that no one can fit it. Remember the good friends that you have, they may not have even been people that you liked and/or thought that you were going to like.

One of my dear friends, who is a short Asian woman, was someone when I first met her thought to myself: Oh, she’s a crazy Bible thumping Christian, there’s NO WAY that we’re going to get along. Low and behold she was the one who showed me my faith. She is the reason I am Christian. We have talked before about how we both almost shut each other out, because we didn’t think that there was going to be any connection, but we just learned to be open with each other and are now amazing friends.

The same thing has happened with guys for me. Albeit my ex was not someone who did much for me overall, the attraction was NOT because he was handsome. It was his intelligence, wit, thirst for life. It was who he was. It was the transcending values, initially, that attracted me to him.

How many people have you thought: ‘Oh, he isn’t the one, so there’s no use in going further?’

I get that there are people whome you’re NEVER going to work out with. But there are a lot of people out there that perhaps we could all keep our hearts a little bit more open to. To actually get to know them as human beings.

Hiding behind PERFECT

For me, this is for me. I feel like I need to be perfect before I can date. I need to be educated, smart, intelligent, thin, beautiful, funny, sending the right signals…changing for what I think that he wants? That used to be me. You see God’s grace is amazing, the beauty that you have right now, is one that has been instilled in your forever, it’s God’s Grace. As I have written before, you are beautiful in God’s eyes. Filled with his grace and purpose. Whenever I feel like I am not enough and/or not connecting and/or it just isn’t going my way—I bring myself back to God’s love. At the end of the day, that is where I should be living my life through.

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! // Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. // Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, be prayer, and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. // And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 John 12-13
God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. // We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us his spirit.

Not enjoying the ‘butterfly stage’

Who said flirting is bad? So, you bat your eye lashes, make a smart-ass comment back, wink, get a tinge suggestive. I once had someone say to me ‘Don’t just try and define things from the beginning, just enjoy the stage that it’s in.’ I think that many of us, especially as we get older, rob the courtship of butterflies. We want to know RIGHT NOW if this is going somewhere. The butterflies are awesome. How fun is it to see them and think ‘wonder what they’re thinking?’ or get the cold hands or racing heart. I mean really, it means that you’re alive.

Just enjoy it.

Making a move

This is my last and final thing. Make a move. I have heard so many times that people sit in idle ‘friend’ stage forever. I am not one that is good at this. But I do think that there’s something to be said about making a move. Rmemeber dinner, coffee, run, movie outing doesn’t mean that you’re getting married. Rather, it’s just a friendly gesture to get to know someone.

At the end of it all, it’s about the following

  • 5 foundational and transcending values/beliefs that someone MUST have
  • Enjoying the courtship
  • Being open to people
  • Loving yourself, because you are God’s image
  • Making a move and taking the pressure off

Who knows…you may just find THE ONE!

~Farm Girl

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