This past two weeks have been uber intense for me. I suppose it’s the result of many things, but I have add it all up to my undeniable growing faith.

Faith in not only myself, but in God’s ability to heal. God’s strength. God’s view that I am beautiful, complete, and cherished. There are many times when I find myself in a moment of quick prayer, breathing, thought about the power which God has given me through my continued understanding of my faith. It’s almost overwhelming at times to think that YES, I CAN give over parts of my life to God and it’s all just taken care of.

I have spoken about my baptism before and I suppose in some ways it’s when we actually open ourselves up emotionally to the whole world that God floods into our lives. I have to admit that I have been exhausted for the past two weeks and I have had a hard time focusing. I think it’s due to the fact that my mind has been pre-occupied with many things, namely getting through some past stuff that hasn’t been all that great for me.

The area of clarity that has washed over me in the past two weeks are

1. Listening to my True Self
2. Forgiveness

For me these two things go hand in hand. As I have perhaps mentioned before, me and weight have a long drawn out battle. It’s been abusive, euphoric and detrimental for so many reasons. I have started a weight-loss competition with another blogger and I had some pretty massive issues that I haven’t dealt with creep back up. Namely, the idea that ‘Thin Isn’t Beautiful‘.

I dated someone who said some pretty nasty things to me throughout our relationship inregards to weight. I recognise that for men, the whole idea of women’s weight is a weird/foreign/non-treading area of their lives. I appreciate that for myself and many other women weight/body image/sexuality is a hard thing to understand. However, that doesn’t mean that being insensitive to that is appropriate. What ended up happening is that constant replay of negative, self-depricating, weak thoughts penetrated my mind. It took me down to depths that I have not been down to before and I have since struggled desperatley with not only my weight, but eating patterns and mental talk that has left me in the depths of hell more often then not.

My baptism was the beginning of the healing process for me. I have prayed for almost six months solid that God would release me from the chains that have bound me down. My own internal dialogue, my own internal struggles.

I got pissed, SO ANGRY at my ex this past weekend, then something washed over me. Forgiveness.

Colossians 3:13

Bear with each ither and forve whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. // And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I have a choice, we all have a choice to let those past angers, grudges, wrong-doings go. In that ability to let the anger of him and some stuff from my childhood go I felt at peace. I had a sense of calm inside of my heart.

Colossians 3:15

Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart, since as memebers of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

I went to church on Sunday knowing that my heart has been freed and I just wanted to continue to bring the peace in my heart that I knew was there. I just have decided that living my life to be pissed about something that has happened in the past and enabling that to hold me DOWN for the REST of my now and future is silly. It’s easy to do though, because as is written there are times when the ‘roar’ of the Devil is so strong. But this passage is one the I constantly go back to.

1 Peter 5:6-9

Humble yourself, therefore, under God’s might hand that he may life you up in due time. // Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. // Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour // Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering.

I knew that I no longer has to fear the mental chatter, the anxiety that I felt about my body, the chains of oppressions which have held me down so hard-core for the past 1 1/2 years. I felt free.

I just let it out, tears flowed. I felt free. Not only had I forgiven those who have impacted my life negativley. I have forgiven myself.

1 Peter 5:10

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, form and steadfast.

~Farm Girl

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