It’s not often that I can come to a place in my life where I KNOW that there’s a fork in the road.

I didn’t really want to go to Church last night, because I had so much studying to do. However, I there was a quiet calm over the idea of going to church, because I felt like ‘I needed it’. I suppose part of the Christian, LIFE, journey is to listen to that quiet voice inside of you—because most of the time it’s trying to tell you something that you/I need to hear.

It’s not often that I can sit in a church service and be captivated the whole time, without taking notes or letting my mind wander…but this was such a time.

Psalm 51 10-12

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. // Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. // Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

This weekend has been a huge ‘fork in the road’ for me. I have known that God is in  my life, but I do have to admit that there are times when I am not sure that I have known how to have God in my heart the whole time. Old patterns of behaviour, outside forces that I always go to, have stopped me from surrendering my whole being to Christ.

To be honest, it scares me.

I haven’t ever really loved anyone before. Well, I guess that’s a bit of a stretch. I love my family and I have a couple of dear friends. But as far as relationships in my past—none. God—getting there.

In order for me to love, I have to let go. I have to surrender my heart, my thoughts, my being and be totally vulnerable

Even with family and friends there’s the ability to remain at arms distance in certain areas. To not be totally vulnerable. To stay quasi intimate.

With God, I can’t afford to be quasi.

I sat on my knees and prayed, I wrote myself a raw prayer. But more importantly I gave myself the opportunity to ‘wash’ the slate clean. To be REAL with what was holding me back, to be honest about what I needed and to be vulnerable within my relationship.

So often, we can step aside, dance around, and hide behind the ‘fork in the road’ which demands us to take the BIG LEAP. The leap of letting yourself go, of letting people in, and of loving with your whole spirit.

Romans 5:5

Not only so, be we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, character, hope. // And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our heart by the Holy Spirit, who has have given us

For me, that’s starting with loving myself by letting God’s love in.

~Farm Girl

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