I don’t know what has gotten into me…but I feel like rebelling a bit.

Is that part of the new Christian journey?
Am I going to get labeled as a ‘back slidder’?
Am I letting my ‘purity’ go?

I am not sure what it is. But just need to be VERY honest in that sometimes, especially when there are rules, I find that I freak out and try to be perfect. If I can’t be perfect I rebel. In my life, beyond faith, I find that I do that with not studying, and not working out and not eating well. If I am on a diet, which is rules, then I binge.

I have enjoyed being a Christian and placing those values in my life.

What I have not enjoyed is feeling the IMMENSE pressure to be something that sometimes I don’t want to be. I don’t know if I can be a straight-laced Christian—I don’t know if I WANT to.

I get that the rules of the Church (more so in my mind then in the Bible) are their to protect people, maintain the faith development, enhance and uphold their purity (especially sexual) and develop a community of faith believers.

Perhaps it’s been hard because I wasn’t a Christian for 26 years of my life, and now I am looking at all of these ‘restrictions’ and thinking

“Does this fit in my life?”

“If I don’t follow every single one of them, does that make me a bad Christian?”

“If I slip up, can I actually tell anyone in my Christian group without being judged, told them I am ‘back sliding’ or politely smiled at and then ignored?”

“Do life-long Christians understand the complexities and challenges that new Christians face in giving up past lives?”

“Does anyone actually follow all of the rules?”

I guess I am in the post-honeymoon phase where perhaps the fire is smoldering and I have to choose how to re-ignite it. I am not saying that I am jumping ship and throwing God, Church, Friends out the window.

I think it’s more like “What do I want as part of my own rule book and how does that feel in my life…but more importantly with my relationship with God.”

~Farm Girl

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