I remember the feeling that I had when I was writing the ‘Rebelling Against My Faith‘. Man..I wanted to do it my own way. SCREW THIS GOD…I AM DOING IT MY WAY..GOT IT?

Cause, you know what…that last 26+ years of doing it my own way has been PERFECT

not

The thing that I think sometimes I struggle with is looking at Christianity and seeing the rules. The expectations. The ‘you shouldn’ts’ and the ‘you shoulds’ and thinking ‘but why?’

Call me a rebelling toddler. Call me a ‘back slider’. Call me an engaging xian.

If you’re going to be anything in life..you should know what you are. You should question your beliefs, and in some instances you should challenge them. To me, that’s the only way you’re ever going to grow.

For me that challenge has manifested itself in sex/intimacy/dating. I want to be physically intimate with someone, I have moments when I yearn for it. I am not a virgin, and knowing what ‘it’s’ like is enticing sometimes, especially on cold winter nights. My struggle recently has come from my faith, which I have not had challenged until the past two weeks, and wanting to ‘do my own thang!’

After exploring this sentiment I came to a realisation…that God wants us to not just save ourselves for our love/husband/wife/partner because it’s the RIGHT thing to do. Because lets me honest, there’s lots of right things to be doing. But I think what it actually boils down to is because it’s the thing which brings about the most personal and relational integrity.

Sex is, in my opinion, a facet of a MUCH larger spiritual/emotional/holistic realm of intimacy.

Intimacy is the ultimate manifestation of self-worth/love/care/affection/values/respect. In that we create or do not create an intimate relationship with ourselves and others. When we starve out a holistic approach to intimacy with ourselves, then we attract a desperate need to feel ‘whole’ by instant gratifications. This can come from eating, sex, over-exercising, drugs, alcohol, gambling etc.

For me, and I am just being honest, I don’t know how to be intimate…thus I don’t know how to be intimate with Men. I struggle being intimate with God. Thus, sex and instant physical intimacy fills the little void that I have in my intimate being…for the blissful moment.

But it leaves the soul empty.

So I do not sit her pissed off at God for encouraging me to keep my legs together, from shoving my face with chocolate cake or putting off things I need to do.

Rather I want to hug God for enabling me to see that it is not rooted in condemnation…rather a love for each of us that is rooted in God asking that we live the best life that we can live…by giving us ways in which to engage our lives that demand integrity.

With the ultimate goal of creating an intimate relationship with ourselves, which impacts our relationships with God and those around us.

~Farm Girl

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