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One of my favourite quotes of all time is from Donald Miller’s book “A Million Miles in A Thousand Years”

People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it take to make it happen. But joy costs pain.

When I think about running around the world, serving in underprivileged communities as a nurse…my heart jumps and my eyes gain tears..it’s my life dream.

When I think about having a relationship with God that enraptures my heart and is my rock…I pray that it follows me forever.

When I think about being married to a man and not being obsessed with my weight, loving to be naked during daylight and knowing that I am more then weight…I don’t even know how that could be, but am filled with hope that it exists.

When I think of being at peace with food…I sob, because it’s what I am working on and yet it feels so distant and unattainable at time.

When I think of being at peace with my body…I smile.

So much of what we are is really a road-blocked version of what we actually want to become. My journey is to find ways which enable me to work through, around, move and blast through them..without food.

~Farm Girl

Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You’re in charge!
You can do anything you want
You’re ablaze in beauty!
Yes.Yes.Yes

Matthew 6:10-13

How many times have you gotten stuck in a rut?

I am going to raise my hand…keep it up straight until the blood runs out of it.

I am in a rut of shoving my face at night. I admit it.

More though, I have been in a rut about what I have found myself in. In a situation where I am no longer happy with the way that I feel about my current relationship with food, my body, exercise and where I am.

I have also felt incredibly stuck.

That I should just “give up, cause this is they way it’s going to be forever.”

If I stay that way, then I’ll continue to gain weight, punish myself with sporadic exercise and wear frumpy clothes, no make-up and crappy hair.

We are masters of our own destiny.

As I sat on the couch tonight, after eating and stuffing myself, I sat and asked myself “how do I want to feel in that tris that I am signing up for this coming year?”

  • Prepared
  • Focused
  • Like a machine
  • I gave it my all
  • Powered by amazing food
  • Proud

Then I sat on the couch, in the PJ bottoms with elastic that are too tight, and thought about how I wanted to look.

  • Smiling
  • Exhausted
  • Happy
  • Toned
  • Fit
  • Proud

I didn’t want to be rail thin. I didn’t want to be binging. I didn’t want to be a certain weight. I didn’t want to be obsessed.

I wanted to feel like a champion.
Like someone who had gotten their groove back.
Someone who harnessed the motto “just f**king do it”.

The point is, that we don’t have to see ourselves as what we are..stuck. We actually have the ability to see ourselves how we want to be. Yes, my image of myself was thinner than I am now.

But when you’re looking at yourself in a state of where you’d like to be..focus not on the thinness or weight. Focus on what you’re exuding, what you feel like, what people would think about when they’re around you.

Sear that image in your brain, and everyday make choices that make the image become real.

For me, it’s crossing the finish line with spandex on, a number attached to my racing shirt, strong voluptuous curves, ripped arms and a smile across my face.

What does your image look like?

~Farm Girl

The blogging world is littered with Moms, Dads, Perfectionists who are starting a journey down a road where they put themselves as number one. Where they are finding the voice within them that says “it’s ok to do things for yourself first.”

I have struggled with this.

In fact when I am having a ‘good day’ with food (this is a left-over mental pattern of being food/diet obsessed) I can easily find myself shriveling under the increasing pressure that the little voice/Devil throws at me in my moment of accomplishment.

For many of us, we need something bigger than us.

Previously this used to be a diet.
Previously this has been a man.
Previously this has been having my family proud of my weight-loss.
Previously this has been due to a comparison of myself to someone else.

The strength was outside of myself, because I didn’t think that I had enough strength within myself to actually do what I wanted in life..and that was to lose weight. It was sole focus for so long, but it was enabled by outside forces that had nothing to do with what I wanted. At least the reasons for losing weight, weren’t something that I found to be of sustainable value.

In my dire moments of struggle, I have really found a new place of strength…my relationship with God.

Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. […] Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before your Master, it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet. James 4:8-10

Food doesn’t give me internal strength.
A number on a scale doesn’t give me internal strength.
I pair of pants at a certain size doesn’t give me internal strength.

They have only given me obsession.

My faith, falling on my knees, praying, being present in my moments of obsession…give me internal strength.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. […] Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. James 1:5-6

It’s ok to cry-out to God.
It’s ok to get on your knees.
It’s ok to show God your weakness.
It’s ok to admit fault.
It’s ok to admit to God and yourself as to exactly where you are.

The most important thing, for me, is knowing that my strength…my undeniable, unshakable, solid internal strength no longer comes from my relationship with food, dieting, binging, exercise.

It comes from God.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at your from all sides. You know that under pressures, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. James 1:2-4

~Farm Girl

I was speaking to one of my close friends today and she was asking how everything was going. I told her that my life, as I know it, is at the best place in my life.

Why?

Because I have been willing to suffer.

There’s a lot of suffering to be entered into this world—the kind of suffering Christ takes on. Colossians 1:24

So much of our life, especially in the modern context, is about alleviating suffering. If that’s finding quicker ways to make food, quieter buildings to live in, life-prolonging medications or addiction to alleviate any sort of discomfort.

We are afraid of discomfort. We are afraid of suffering.

I have used food, dieting obsession, body-image to alleviate a lot of emotional struggles that I have had…and I realise I not mine..in many instances they are generational.

What is amazing, and what has hit me, is that my wanting to ‘run away’ and ‘numb’ out my own internal inadequacies rear their ugly heads when I am farthest away from my faith.

So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious planet they are—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He get the last word, yes, he does. 1 Peter 5:9-11

In those moments of shoving cake down in throat, looking at my body and hating every single curve that God has blessed me with and/or choosing men who didn’t support my self-esteem à I wasn’t drawing close to God AND I was not willing to suffer.

In order to grow, we have to suffer.

In order to suffer, we have to draw closer to God.

In order to grow, we have to suffer.

In order to suffer AND find GROWTH we MUST fall upon God’s strength.

What is there honestly to be afraid of with God on our side? What possible level of suffering can we NOT endure without God?

God is there, ready to help;

I’m fearless o matter what.

Who or what can get me?

Hebrews 13:6

When we run from suffering, from growth, from pain, from discomfort…and stay in our old ways…we are not drawing God close.

If you want to move to the place that you’ve always feared, you will most likely endure suffering of some kind…but you’re going to be ok. The scariest part is letting go of the stagnant place that you’re in.

For me, that stagnant place was a place where I kept God, my own self-love, and people at arms length. I was scared of God’s love for me. In fact I told someone else today “That as a new Christian, I was over-whelmed by God’s love for me. It was incomprehensible to me at the beginning.”

What I’ve realised is that GOD is there THE WHOLE TIME when we are suffering. That in moments of weakness, wanting to go back to old ways…it’s actually me not keeping my relationship with God in check. It’s not keeping my heart open to my own self-love, which I’ve garnered from my relationship with God.

So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you, he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God, hs is most careful with you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

Having the approach which enables you to truly take on the suffering that you’ve been avoiding to advance your life…with God..will get you to where you need to be.

Draw God close, he’s waiting to give you wings.

~FarmGirl

I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. 2 Corinthians 12:10

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