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The blogging world is littered with Moms, Dads, Perfectionists who are starting a journey down a road where they put themselves as number one. Where they are finding the voice within them that says “it’s ok to do things for yourself first.”

I have struggled with this.

In fact when I am having a ‘good day’ with food (this is a left-over mental pattern of being food/diet obsessed) I can easily find myself shriveling under the increasing pressure that the little voice/Devil throws at me in my moment of accomplishment.

For many of us, we need something bigger than us.

Previously this used to be a diet.
Previously this has been a man.
Previously this has been having my family proud of my weight-loss.
Previously this has been due to a comparison of myself to someone else.

The strength was outside of myself, because I didn’t think that I had enough strength within myself to actually do what I wanted in life..and that was to lose weight. It was sole focus for so long, but it was enabled by outside forces that had nothing to do with what I wanted. At least the reasons for losing weight, weren’t something that I found to be of sustainable value.

In my dire moments of struggle, I have really found a new place of strength…my relationship with God.

Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. […] Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before your Master, it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet. James 4:8-10

Food doesn’t give me internal strength.
A number on a scale doesn’t give me internal strength.
I pair of pants at a certain size doesn’t give me internal strength.

They have only given me obsession.

My faith, falling on my knees, praying, being present in my moments of obsession…give me internal strength.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. […] Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. James 1:5-6

It’s ok to cry-out to God.
It’s ok to get on your knees.
It’s ok to show God your weakness.
It’s ok to admit fault.
It’s ok to admit to God and yourself as to exactly where you are.

The most important thing, for me, is knowing that my strength…my undeniable, unshakable, solid internal strength no longer comes from my relationship with food, dieting, binging, exercise.

It comes from God.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at your from all sides. You know that under pressures, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. James 1:2-4

~Farm Girl

There have been many times when I have felt like pushing God out of my life. In fact, there have been many conversations with some close friends where I just wanted to ‘give up on this Christian thing’. I believe that there have to be many times in all of our lives when we just want to give up. Stop trying. Just be where we are, even though it isn’t exactly what we want. The plowing ahead is almost TOO much!

However, I have brought myself back to the idea of forging ahead with my journey in my faith.

This morning I felt it again. I was tired, had tons of things racing through my brain and felt like my connection with God was weighing during worship. The Pastor started to pray and I was just about over it all. I just wasn’t feeling it.

Then I stopped.

It wasn’t about the Pastor or anything else. I was a bit annoyed, but really it has nothing to really do with church or the people around you or the rules that you think you should be living by. It has EVERYTHING to do with opening your heart to God. I believe that many times we try to legalise our lives…wanting specific answers to questions NOW. In the most clear/concise/rule-focused approach to faith, you won’t be able to find God in your life. Well, I think that you maybe able to find God in your life…but I don’t know if you’re owning the relationship with God for yourself..or for outside reasons.

I stood in church today and shut out the yammering away of the Pastor and just let God into my heart. I have to admit that today it was hard. I didn’t feel in my element…I am exhausted. But the amazing thing is, that when we stop thinking about how it should be…it just becomes what is.

My heart was set on fire and God was with me, because I stopped pushing against everything that isn’t God.

~Farm Girl

I had a great conversations with one of my friends last night over tea and soup.

This kinda of goes on the crux of my sexuality post and the fact that the past month-ish I have been in neutral with my faith. It just hasn’t been doing much for me to be honest. Nothing has really gotten me going, in fact everything has been making me question what I really REALLY want out of everything.

Why even be a Christian? I can be my OWN person with my OWN faith!

I do agree with the notion that you’re faith is ultimately yours. That you are the master of your own destiny and faith.

However, I do think that you do need to ask yourself one question

Are you doing the will that YOU want -or- are you ASKING God to let you LIVE the will of God?

I was talking to my friend about this, because in my processing of my stagnant, dare I say ‘backsliding’, state I have been thinking a lot about my OWN WANTS from God. I want to be able to have my own sexual definitions, my own prayer routines (ie before major things) and my own definition of what I want from my faith.

I have NOT been asking God to help me do God’s will.

I have NOT been keeping my mind/heart/soul/ears/eyes open to the fact that I would agree that we are here to live God’s will through the actions that we do everyday. For some of us that’s living in a rural place being a nurse, being a teacher, working at the church, mowing someone’s lawn…being present daily with God.

What I have bitched complained about before is the idea of relationships..as a prime example.

Friend: “I just thought I’d be married by now, with kids, a husband. I am losing hope again.”
Me: “So, what you’re going to tell me is that you’re losing hope in God’s ability to provide what God has laid out for you? What if you are not meant to get married for three more years and in that time God wants you to focus on nursing. God wants you to live in the present and live a beautiful, diverse life?”
Friend: “That’s an interesting thought”
Me: “There is NOTHING more unattractive than someone who is desperate, and trying to force upon their life their own will instead of Gods. The most attractive people to me, are people who have their own passions, follow their dreams, are warm to people and who realise that there’s more to life then getting married as the only validating exercise of God’s will”

The point that I am trying to make..is that we start demanding our will upon God..we start losing track of what our ultimate will is from God. Yeah, ok..so you’re not exactly where you want to be…so are you going to rob the rest of your life getting to a place you thought you should be now and/or were in the past?

Stop forcing your will upon God..and let God give you God’s will.

~Farm Girl

Your grace is so overwhelming.

I have not made the best decision as of late…

I am in a place I don’t want to be

I threw you to the side

I am sorry

Thank you for your Grace.

Whatever happens, Lord, I surrender to you.

To your power

Your love

On my knees ready for your grace.

~Farm Girl

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